1.You will eat a lot. Seriously. No matter who you are you will not be able to escape the cruel hands of the junk food cravings. It feels like it could help and you start to believe that the grand amount of processed sugars will lift your spirits like Mary Poppins’s medicine, but it won’t. You are still going to go down this route and I don’t blame you. In the past three weeks of me not writing I have devoured two tubs of Ben&Jerry’s’ in two days, a multi-pack of wotsits in three hours and an entire trifle in an hour. Shit happens. Just run up the stairs to the bathroom and walk your pooch that extra block. This will always be within the process so enjoy rather than worrying about your ever-fluctuating weight, that’s why writing is great as you can always avoid people blaming your ‘writing’ rather than having to admit you’re trying to shift the weight of a small panda off your arse.
2. Procrastination is a wonderful thing and can come in many forms, mine will always be first and foremost cleaning. When I have an exam to prep for or a 3000-word essay due imminently I can guarantee that all the laundry is done, the bed sheets have been changed and every side is spotless. There is the slight problem when all of this is done, but do not fear there are other things too. One night when it is cold and misty, the kind that makes you fear a little for your life even though you know you are in a secure area thanks to the amount of crap you watch on the tele, you will find yourself locked in your car and scrubbing the dashboard. Now this for me is saying a lot as anyone who knows me knows that my car is merely a recycling bin for empty RedBull cans and cast out clothes and shoes. However, when you have things to avoid you will do everything in your power to avoid them. So, the moral of the story is this – You will get writer’s block but that publish day will still be there, so just take solace in the fact that your house will look amazing until the next late night junk food smuggle.
3. Anger. Just like grief you will begin to go through the motions and hate everything and everyone that you can possibly blame for this happening. I usually just blame myself which is always great, but then I direct it at my boyfriend and immediately need a puppy to calm me down.
4. Denial. It is only fair that we cover all aspects of grief as it’s only right that we give the terrible incident that is writer’s block the respect it deserves. My denial generally starts with new blogs that are never finished. I know when I am in the main throws of writer’s block when I get an extremely vague idea that I have generally stolen from something I have already read in a desperate need to write something, but then it all blows up in my face and the blog comes to nothing. This is what happens when you try to steal to feed your addiction.
5. Ah, bargaining. This is the one that I particularly love as it’s so hilarious to look back on. In a way, it’s much like the alcohol blues you get the morning after the night before when you desperately cringe at every move you made in your disoriented state. You begin to bargain with yourself and give yourself goals in the vain hope that it will push you to achieve like when you want to lose half of your body weight before the highschool reunion that you just know your ex is going to. It’s unrealistic, you know it, but you still have to go through the system, Then you bargain with higher forces, surely they will help you in your time of need, it worked for Bruce Almighty, kind of.
6. Depression is one of the worst symptoms, even in my humorous blog post. Why? Because it is very real and can happen so quickly that you don’t even notice that it has happened. The reason that I have decided to still include this here is just in case you know someone who has a real passion, the kind that takes them away from you for days on end because they have caught a line and have a great idea, or whatever their hobby may be. If you know someone like that then you may notice that every now and again there is complete radio silence and you don’t know why. Personally when I am in these stages I don’t want to see anyone at all, the thought of chitchat when my mind will be going a hundred miles an hour is a living nightmare. However, if someone turned up at my house and forced me into it then I would probably have a better time. Unfortunately depression is real and whether it comes in waves or is a permanent fixture in yours or someone you knows life then you need to make aware that you are there. If they want you there then be there, if they want to be alone just let them know that they can call you when they are ready. It is a difficult illness to deal with and as much as the warning signs are all the same on every website that you visit, the actual illness is very different for each person. So don’t judge or be cruel, be a friend as I bet my heart that they have helped you too.
7. The best one of the bunch and of course it is waiting there at the finish line with arms wide open and a smile as big as your Christmas turkey. You have accepted that you will never again have an original idea and you have become the world’s smiliest cynic. Wahoo!
8. The green eyed monster is a creature you meet at a young age and a little unaware of who this being is. He makes you feel uneasy and strange, you begin to dislike people when he is around and then begin to dislike yourself too. As you get older you realise who this monster is and you want to shrink into yourself when he turns up because you know that it is only seconds before you turn into an uncooperative shell of what you once were. When I am in the midst of a visit from the old, green bastard I start trawling other people’s blogs. They are undoubtedly the best things that have been written since Shakespeare, hell, the monster tells you they are going to be better than Shakespeare and you believe him. It’s a rough ride when everyone is better than you and your green, fuzzy friend sat next to you never argues your case. Yet after a few hours, days or weeks you will begin to realise that he is a stupid bastard and you are great, but we will never learn because he is a convincing little shit.
9. I obviously couldn’t get through a post about writer’s block with mentioning trying too hard. The best responses that I have received from my blogs are the ones that I have just sat down and written, not the ones that I have gone over in my head for a week and then made notes for another week before compiling a pile of crap. When you try too hard it is obvious in your work and people lose interest in what you’re saying. To be honest I have lost interest in my own work because it is trying too hard to be something that it is not. In the past week, I have started three separate posts and all of them are sat unfinished in my ‘Writing’ folder waiting for the inevitable delete. However, thanks to a wonderful woman who has saved my block I was able to write a blog effortlessly as she had already given me an idea, simple.
10. This is the main thing to remember. You are by no means broken and you will eventually find your mojo. Unfortunately, we are all human which means we have to go through mountains of shit before we can get what we want. This is also a good time for me to mention that you only get what you put in, things are never handed to you and you have to work for them, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. You know the story. What we also need to remember is that this is by no means a race, if you need a break then just take a break. I stepped away from all of it including social media and it did me the world of good. Do what is best for you and you will get there if this is your dream you will figure it out.