I Haven’t Been Hiding Per Se…

It has been a while now since I have written a post and there is a very good reason, honestly. In the past few weeks, I have been to the doctors and consulted with counsellors to talk about how I was feeling. In all honesty, I was feeling terrible and unable to gain the energy to do anything and when I say anything I mean it. I was quite literally spending my time in bed fidgeting with my phone and unable to concentrate on anything at all. The frustration was unbelievable, yet I still did nothing about it. That was until I was off work with an injured back and had more time than normal to mull over my horrifically boring life. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still have a strong love affair with my bed and nothing will ever take that away from me…we were made for each other. However, it gave me the time to see that things just weren’t right.

Back in March I was prescribed some anti-depressants that are specifically used for anxiety issues. At the time, I was off my tits, bouncing off the walls and loving life to the max. When I returned to the doctors for my follow up (in their words, ‘To make sure I wasn’t on the edge’ – WHAT?!?) I felt great. I was swimming three times a week, reading and my concentration was feeling the love. Yet there was something niggling at me that told me something wasn’t quite right. So, when my doctor warned that the effects of the pills may wear off soon I ignored them as I just wanted to be ok.

I did return to the docs after three months and they upped my dosage by 10mg, but it didn’t make much of a difference. I convinced myself that I was doing this to myself and that I just needed to think more positively. There is also the very British side of me that thought I couldn’t keep bothering the poor doctor (how ridiculous!). So, I carried on pretending that everything was ok while I lay in bed not being able to concentrate on anything for longer than five minutes at a time.

This was magnified while I was off work as work is my safe place with rules and expectations where I can’t just stay in bed all day or stand around doing nothing as I am an assistant manager. But when that expectation was taken away I had absolutely no drive to do anything other than slob and eat.

My problem is that I live with my boyfriend’s parents so I will immediately feel guilty for slobbing (this has nothing to do with them, I personally just feel judged if I ever appear to be lazy!). The more I thought about it, the more anxious I would feel and the more depressed I would feel. It all got too much and I made the appointment. Fortunately for me I was able to get in pretty quickly, I think if it had gone down the usual route of a two-week wait I wouldn’t have gone. For things like this I have to go while I have the gumption to do so, otherwise I will overthink it and come up with a book full of reasons why I don’t need to go.

When I spoke to my doctor in my usual way, head facing the floor and mumbling like a teenager in trouble, she was the sweetest person I could have ever asked for. Her initial reaction was to tell me to come whenever I feel low and not to feel like I can’t come to talk to her. I felt my head begin to slowly rise and look at her the more comfortable she made me feel. We spoke about me being on the waiting list for counselling and agreed that it needed to be put through ASAP, she also raised my dosage by another 10mg and made me promise not to miss an appointment again. To be honest, any other doctor probably wouldn’t have got through to me like she did, she made me feel like I was talking to my best friend who just wanted to help me get better.

Thankfully, after less than a week I was feeling great again. My mood was lifted and I was ready for anything. Which also helps you guys understand where I have been…

I have quite literally been unstoppable, I have redecorated, spring cleaned, built furniture, cleared out the car. Anything I could think of doing was being done after no movement for so long. Unfortunately, that meant that my blog and my degree reading list was put to one side as I eagerly tended to every physical job that needed completing. I have thoroughly enjoyed myself and in some way I think that in my mind I thought if I stopped and sat down that it would end. Luckily I had offered to host a Twitter chat tonight for #healthyselves which forced me back into my slobbing area, chocolate in tow. I’ve not felt like I am going to fall back into my depressive ways thankfully and strangely have an urge to clean again even though it is ten at night.

So, I am back and I intend on writing plenty of blogs until University starts and then you will probably just get the odd one paragraph blog of me panicking about assignments.

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