We have all been either forced into listening or desperately downloaded Adele’s new song ‘Hello’. I was the latter as I have an obsession with songs that depress me to the point of re-evaluating my entire life and this track was no different.
Firstly, I think it is important to inform you that I did learn the lyrics to this song in about an hour and proceeded to get caught with a Mariah Carey hand belting it out in my car. Commute entertainment.
Anyway, let’s get into how this song affected me. Straight away I thought about the boy who I hurt, a lot. Immediately, I had a knot in my stomach and flash backs of his poor face while I was being a destructive cow in my teen years. This was my first boyfriend who I had stalked (Yep, full-blown, hanging out of your window with binoculars stalked) for a good two years before he noticed my existence. Luckily, he was best friends with my brother so it was so easy to try and act cool around him while failing, badly. We have all done it though, right?
Even if you weren’t a horrid, deprecating woman/man then maybe it has happened to you and you currently think I should be avoided by any eligible man? Well, don’t worry I learnt my lesson, but that didn’t save the friendship in the end. He was one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met and is now happily married with a beautiful little boy, and I couldn’t be happier for him. Yet, this song just reminded me of what an idiot I was to be so cruel to someone who had never done anything wrong and just wanted to love me. So, if for some bazar reason you’re reading this I want, ‘To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done.’ It is a long time coming, ‘But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore.’
After this initial flash back to my acne packed teens another relationship crossed my mind, which to be honest has nothing to do with the lyrics, but you can’t control how you react to morbid songs.
I had a sudden urge to contact one of my ex-boyfriend’s Mum. Weird, I know, but this one is quite interesting. The Mother that I want to meet with is the woman behind the man who hurt me unimaginably. Yeah, him. The idea came about a few months ago after she walked into the shop that I work in and she spun so fast around that she looked like she was doing a routine from Saturday Night Fever. I wasn’t prepared to see her (Clearly she wasn’t either), but I wanted to speak to her. Standing with a smile on my face preparing to say hello I started thinking about what I would actually say to her, would I ask how he was? Would I even mention him? Would she?
After this episode I did what any other woman would do, I called my friends to dissect the small event into a good three hours of debate. We came up with nothing more than that she must have felt uncomfortable. At first I felt quite sorry for her and assumed that she didn’t want to have to acknowledge what her son had done, but then my mood changed. Suddenly, I was so angry. How dare she not speak to me, how could she walk by without asking me how I was? Didn’t she realise what I had been through and how hard it was and still is to deal with?
Then it hit me, she more than likely has no idea about the extent of what had happened and that’s when I wanted to talk to her. I want to go to her home unannounced like a crazy person and ask if I can sit with her. Realistically, she will either see me through parted curtains and put the Halloween tactic into play and move into the back room, or she will answer the door and make excuses. Yet, I still can’t get this idea out of my mind.
‘They say that time’s supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healing.’ Ok, I lied. The lyrics do apply a little.
In the next few months I’ll be partaking in a little counselling and I cannot wait to get in there and spill my heart out, cry, scream and heal. So, while I wait for this I’ve been thinking of ways to get closure and she will bring me a small amount. If I could find out if she knew what happened (If you have read my previous posts you’ll know he attacked me in her home and she didn’t come to my rescue) and whether she ever spoke to him about it, or if he had acted like that before and I would feel some closure to this part of my life.
So, I would like to thank Adele for not only making me feel guilty for my past mistakes, but for also pushing me towards being a crazy stalker again. Cheers pal.